Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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