I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
