So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
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