Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
