my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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