new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
