My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Randomize
