I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
