can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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