dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Randomize
