This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
