Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
