Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
