i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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