Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
