I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
