What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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