All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
