I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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