it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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