I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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