After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
