Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
