too bad you live with your parents still
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
