Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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