Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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