I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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