I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
