Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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