It's like God shit irony all over that family
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
