He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
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you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
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The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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