the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
