I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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