laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
