it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
