am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I want to make a zoo with you.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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