the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
