Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
