Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
