oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
