why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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