I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
