apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
