I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
