I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
