Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My vagina is officially offended.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
