I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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