The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
