Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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