oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Randomize
