Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
