he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize
