im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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