apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
