I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
