where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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