i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
