He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
