i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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