You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
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