Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
