So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
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