i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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